Sunday, June 9, 2013

Caffine and cruise-control

It has been a long time since I posted. I figured it was time for an update.
Honestly, I stole the title of this post from someone else. Someone that has much more to deal with than I. However, I felt it appropriate. I have been living on caffine and cruise-control since I got this diagnosis in October.

Right now I am doing fine - I am in the waiting game. I have to wait until July 8 for my next PET scan. After that I will get the news July 10. I hope that this is it... I will have checkups for the next 5 years and then be done. If not, I will have salvage chemo and stem-cell transplant. This is the longest I have gone in the past 8 months without treatment.

When I was down in Floriday it was hard. Much harder than I thought it would be. Much harder than I am willing to admit to anyone. I went into true cruise control. Just trying to survive. I think that is where I really started to think about what was going on. What really was happening. Before then I was in fix it mode.

Things are going well. I feel like I have not had much time to breathe, let alone process exactly what has happened over the last year. I had expected my first year to be crazy, but not like this.

I had a student say to me the other day: Wow you must have really been feeling bad last semester; youhave so much more energy. I guess that pretty much explains where I was... limping by. I have guilt on what I didn't teach... what little of me my students got; what little of me my family got.

Guess that is guilt that I will just have to deal with. I am still trying to catch up. Living on caffine and trying to get off of cruise control. I am trying to take back my life... and wait.