The end is in sight

It's confirmed, my last (hopefully) chemo is tomorrow. Then the removal of the port. Then what?! What to do but wait. Wait to see if it grows back?! Meet this infamous Radiation Oncologist. So more waiting. They like to wait until I really feel good again then play to the what ifs. I just need a break. I need to be me. Productive. Chapter writing. Article writing. Teaching. Research startup. It will be great. Then a remission vacation with my family. I can't believe how weird it feels to think I'll have weeks with no hospital visits. Going from not being "sick" to this was quite a leap. I think the leap back is going to be even more traumatic. Being in pain from my ankle is sooo different than this. Yes my ankle may limit my life....but this has limited my living. I've said all along that as much as I wanted chemo to end (and BELIEVE ME I want it to end) I think the hardest part of all this is going to be the day they say 'OK go home, see you in a few months for a check up'. But....but....but.... what if I get a temperature? What if I feel a lump, bump, bruise?? Who do I get to check it if I'm not in the hospital every second day? Just how dangerous is a regular cold/flu? If I get one a month after chemo do I still need to go to the ER or do I just carry on as usual? How do I cope with the thoughts that I'm not doing anything to fight cancer? Surely I'm not expected to just go back to normal? Wait? Wait to hear it's gone? To hear it's not gone? To hear it's back? While I'm doing chemo I'm DOING something. As soon as I stop the ball is back in the tumor's court. I'm out of control. Ah who am I kidding, the ball was always in the tumor's court. I never had a single shred of control over this. So nothing's changed. After TOMORROW I'll have done all I can do in terms of frontline treatments. If it hasn't worked, I'm in trouble. If it has, for how long? Will this be the end? I know it's going to sound INSANE, but I feel like if that's the end then I got off too easy!! Don't get me wrong, it was far from easy, but I coped. Ok, enough. I'm going to assume it worked, enjoy my holiday(s) and not think about it. Haha....I wish!! One more night...one more round of sicknes...So close I can can smell it.... Ugh cant think of those smells. That I will not miss!!

We all have scars

I took this from another persons blog. I could not put it better... This experience has taught me that we ALL have scars. Some are obvious to the eye, and some are hidden, buried, and suppressed within. Life is truly a classroom, we are all being tested and tried. We truly cannot predict what trials we may face, but we can decide INSIDE how we will choose to take it, and what we will decide to do with it. I pray everyday that I am taking this experience and making it a thing of worth and beauty. I am choosing this day to find the VALUE in my scar, and in what this has taught me, my friends and family. Everyday I am humbled by the emails, texts, and phone calls I receive telling me how my adversity has influenced their life for the better. It truly makes me feel so blessed to be a positive part of so many peoples lives. GRATITUDE FILLS MY SOUL... Whether your scars are visible or not count them as a blessing! They are proof that you survived!

And then there was one...

I had chemo #7 today. The life of a chemo patient has taken a lot away, a lot more than I thought. But in 2 weeks I will be in true recovery.

Going to take a nap. Will write more later.... I can see the light.

Darn Nulasta

I can't remember anything.... But that is not the point of this blog. I am having to have Nupogen or Neulasta I can't remember which one.... But it sucks.

I guess I was blaming the pain on chemo.... But nope it is these darn white blood cell growing shots. Ugh!!

The only thing that has helped is pain killers and a bath. Bath with good smelling and feeling bath salts from the Keoghs and bubbles from the Barlogas. What a perfect blend. Thank you both.

I need to feel better.... Big week classes start (well they did last week but mine start Monday) and chemo #7.

Is I am going to lay in bed... Drink a glass of wine... Catch up on John Stwart and Scandal.

Oh and I blaming sucking at Words With Friends on chemo.... :)

Minor setback

I should be talking about how I finished chemo 7 today. However, my white blood cell count is too low. And not just low.... dangerously low and no "baby" cells to grow into full cells either. No chemo for me. I am sad that it is not done, but happy not to do it. I just want to be done.

I will be having shots to up my counts.....just a down kind of day. I am so tired and I guess low blood counts is why. Oh and Kyle is sick. So he s staying far away from me and sleeping in the guest room. So greatful for him.

So not much more to say.... Guess it is wait and hope my body bounces back.

Hair update

I thought it time to give a hair update....

I have begun to realize why we have hair - I know this is a new revelation. I walked outside the other day without a hat. It took me 0.02 seconds to run - actually run - back inside to get a hat. It could have also been that it was -4 degrees outside.

I have come to appreciate other body hair as well - take nose hair for example. Did you know that it keeps the snot in your nose? I remember when I had my septoplasty and I could all of the sudden breathe, but the I also realized I sneeze a lot more. Well without nose hairs I sneeze even more. So add this to the hiccup-burp (herps) and you get the snherps. And yes the all seem to happen at the same time - in the same order - sneeze, hiccup, burp. Round and round and round we go. Also my nose has become a faucet. It drips. Yes it is winter, but it is WAY worse.

I am having a love hate relationship with my head hair. It is growing - now is kinda scraggly. I need to get it cut. Who would have thought I needed a hair cut. But it is also thinner - much thinner. It sticks up in the wrong places... not long enough to spike it but not short enough to comb it down.

Also my eyebrows are finally giving up. I look like I have had a really really good (or bad) tweeze done. They are thin on the corners and nothing inbetween. I think they are all fighting to stay in.

My eyelashes are falling out as well. They seem to fall right into my eyes as well every time they fall out. I put on mascara to day and looked like a really bad stripper or transvestite with clumpy eyelashes. It was bad!! I am not sure what to think of this. The best part is that my mom bought me perminent eyeliner last Christmas - thank goodness! I still have the illusion of eyelashes. Yes it is just hair - but for some reason losing eyebrows and eyelashes make me feel like a cancer patient. At least with just the head hair I could cover it up... guess I am going to have to learn how to draw it on. However, please yell at me if I ever do this....