Honestly, I stole the title of this post from someone else. Someone that has much more to deal with than I. However, I felt it appropriate. I have been living on caffine and cruise-control since I got this diagnosis in October.
Right now I am doing fine - I am in the waiting game. I have to wait until July 8 for my next PET scan. After that I will get the news July 10. I hope that this is it... I will have checkups for the next 5 years and then be done. If not, I will have salvage chemo and stem-cell transplant. This is the longest I have gone in the past 8 months without treatment.
When I was down in Floriday it was hard. Much harder than I thought it would be. Much harder than I am willing to admit to anyone. I went into true cruise control. Just trying to survive. I think that is where I really started to think about what was going on. What really was happening. Before then I was in fix it mode.
Things are going well. I feel like I have not had much time to breathe, let alone process exactly what has happened over the last year. I had expected my first year to be crazy, but not like this.
I had a student say to me the other day: Wow you must have really been feeling bad last semester; youhave so much more energy. I guess that pretty much explains where I was... limping by. I have guilt on what I didn't teach... what little of me my students got; what little of me my family got.
Guess that is guilt that I will just have to deal with. I am still trying to catch up. Living on caffine and trying to get off of cruise control. I am trying to take back my life... and wait.
I am thankful that you have more energy now. But, you at even half capacity is more than what most people offer, so please rest assured that your students got what they needed from you last year, it's just that you can even better being the real you from here on out.
ReplyDeleteI'm looking forward to your results in July and I really hope we get to see you this summer to celebrate! I have missed you so very much!
Love and so many hugs!