Wednesday, January 30, 2013

The end is in sight

It's confirmed, my last (hopefully) chemo is tomorrow. Then the removal of the port. Then what?! What to do but wait. Wait to see if it grows back?! Meet this infamous Radiation Oncologist. So more waiting. They like to wait until I really feel good again then play to the what ifs. I just need a break. I need to be me. Productive. Chapter writing. Article writing. Teaching. Research startup. It will be great. Then a remission vacation with my family. I can't believe how weird it feels to think I'll have weeks with no hospital visits. Going from not being "sick" to this was quite a leap. I think the leap back is going to be even more traumatic. Being in pain from my ankle is sooo different than this. Yes my ankle may limit my life....but this has limited my living. I've said all along that as much as I wanted chemo to end (and BELIEVE ME I want it to end) I think the hardest part of all this is going to be the day they say 'OK go home, see you in a few months for a check up'. But....but....but.... what if I get a temperature? What if I feel a lump, bump, bruise?? Who do I get to check it if I'm not in the hospital every second day? Just how dangerous is a regular cold/flu? If I get one a month after chemo do I still need to go to the ER or do I just carry on as usual? How do I cope with the thoughts that I'm not doing anything to fight cancer? Surely I'm not expected to just go back to normal? Wait? Wait to hear it's gone? To hear it's not gone? To hear it's back? While I'm doing chemo I'm DOING something. As soon as I stop the ball is back in the tumor's court. I'm out of control. Ah who am I kidding, the ball was always in the tumor's court. I never had a single shred of control over this. So nothing's changed. After TOMORROW I'll have done all I can do in terms of frontline treatments. If it hasn't worked, I'm in trouble. If it has, for how long? Will this be the end? I know it's going to sound INSANE, but I feel like if that's the end then I got off too easy!! Don't get me wrong, it was far from easy, but I coped. Ok, enough. I'm going to assume it worked, enjoy my holiday(s) and not think about it. Haha....I wish!! One more more round of sicknes...So close I can can smell it.... Ugh cant think of those smells. That I will not miss!!

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