Friday, December 28, 2012

Cumulative effects

They weren't lying - the effects of chemo are definitely cumulative. It's the day of chemo PAST. A day where in the past I would have been back to nearing 100%. Not last time. Or this time. I woke up in pain, all over, my jaw, my shoulders, my face (who knew you're face could hurt for no reason?), my legs, arms, urgh. I got up at 1pm, went for lunch, to work for a while and was back in bed by 630. Weak.

I've found accepting this new 'half' me really tough. Cancer is always synonymous with imagery of battles, warriors, strength. They make you think that if you're lying in bed feeling sorry for yourself and your aching body that you are somehow losing. Letting the cancer win. You start to feel like if you take those extra few hours sleep that you so clearly need and then hang about in bed for an hour after you wake up that you have lost your fighting attitude and you actually start to feel guilty. Like you're being a pushover, letting it get you and thus letting it win. Then, you start to feel guilty just for feeling sorry for yourself. Like you're being ungrateful for the fact that you're still even alive when so many aren't and cancer does nothing if not make you grateful right? Or guilty for moaning about the bad days rather than being thankful for the good. Guilty for letting those around you, who are already worried sick, see that it's beating you into submission, worrying them further. Guilty for those who have to pick up your slack. 

I get how crazy this is, I know you're reading this thinking that I must be mad to think that anyone would blame me for taking a few extra hours sleep and not pulling my weight in terms of duties but for some reason it's there. Nagging me, shut up, get up and keep going. I'm starting to think that this unreasonable guilt may be what keeps people going. I have the countdown..... less than a month until this whole thing is over. Whatever gets me there! 

1 comment:

  1. I'm not going to tell you that you don't have to feel guilty and that it's perfectly reasonable to take extra sleep and give your body a rest - because you already know that. You're intelligent, rational, and sane. You already know all of this. Guilt can be a powerful motivator, it's spurred me along plenty of times and the end result was usually good, but the torment along the way, not so much. So, I wll tell you - GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK. You are allowed to be human, allowed to be affected and allowed to be any version of YOU that you need to or want to be at any given time.

    I love you!