Thursday, November 8, 2012

Who hates chemo???

You've never noticed how much you want to eat until  you feel like you can't. It is awful. I am so hungry, but my stomach hurts. I guess it is a tug of war.

Also, I am taking more meds than I ever have in my life. I take more meds to counteract the side effects of chemo than the chemo.

Round 2 has been mostly free of the nausea and lockjaw that I experienced last time. I think that however may have been easier. Instead, I am aching all over, my muscles throbbing as if I've been carrying out some form of strenuous exercise for a week straight (not that I know what this would feel like, but I can imagine it hurts). My stomach however is the most troublesome. Grass is always greener I suppose, I would have happily traded for heartburn when I was living in lock-jaw land.

The cruel part of this disease, or rather treatment for this disease, is that it leaves you in limbo. A constant battle between mind and body. I'm not out of it enough to want to sleep and sit for days at a time, but I'm too out of it to do anything else. My mind wants to act normally, my body won't hear of it. I don't recognise myself in the mirror. I look tired, bloated, pale, dark circles under my eyes, now balding shaved head. I don't look the way I do in my mind. It makes me think this is what it must be like to grow old - your body failing you, your appearance changing beyond recognition.

I will put up with it all, and more, as long as it works. That's the worst part - not knowing if it's going to work. Nothing to do, no energy to do it and too much time to think. The alternative is unthinkable. My body is weak but my mind is strong. Well, stubborn. I'm nothing if not stubborn. Tomorrow will be different. Better.

What is not so certain is whether or not you all can avoid anti-depressants after reading this post - WOW this is a depressing one. I do try to keep the blog positive. I also however, as you know, keep it honest. Kyle says it's good that I'm feeling the effects of chemo so strongly - proof that it's destroying everything in my body - including this dreaded cancer. Easy for him to say. I see the logic though, I'd be seriously worried if I felt perfect.

The new plan - break the 8 treatments and 4 months into more manageable chunks. Having experienced 2, the 8 is seeming unachievable. I am now therefore halfway to my 2 month scan instead of 2/8 done. Only 2 more chemos to go!

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