Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Chemo eve.....

Twas the night before chemo and all through the house not a creature was stirring not even a mouse. The IVs were hung by the nurses with care, in hopes that the tumors would not longer be there... I wish it was Christmas, it would be fun if it were Christmas.

You know the Sunday night feeling? The one when you remembered you didn't have your homework done and were going to have to face school the next day and the fun of the weekend was over for another whole week. Or the night before an exam. Or even now at this age, just knowing you have a particularly tough week ahead. The Sunday night dread. I thought I had experienced dread, Sunday night or otherwise. I hadn't. This is dread. Dreading poison being pumped through my veins causing Armageddon on my entire body. Dreading the fact that I will spend the next 3.5 months marinading in a stew of toxic waste designed to kill human cells. Knowing it's coming and that there's no way out of it is a feeling incomparable to anything I've felt before.

Kyle's feeling by the way is who needs chemo..... Go swim in the Southern California ocean....that is toxic enough to kill anything.

Something tells me that in my 31 years, I have only experienced the PG version of a whole range of emotions. Cancer will give me the chance to really feel them. I can now say I have felt dread. Real dread. Sunday nights will be a breeze 6 months from now. There's one more thing to add to the 'upsides of cancer' list. Maybe it will help you all feel a little better about your Sunday night dread.

So how DO I feel about starting chemo tomorrow? Emmmmm, undecided. I'm trying not to think about it. The more I think the more horrible it seems. The best thing to do is try to forget the poison, the body devastation, and alter my mindset to think of it as medicine. Poisoning medicine. NO. JUST MEDICINE. Like a really bad antibiotic. It'll be fine. It'll be fine. It'll be fine. No anticipatory nausea for this girl.....

I guess I wish this hadn’t happened, but there’s nothing worthwhile in that thought. It did happen. My body malfunctioned and tried to kill itself. It attempted to commit suicide without first consulting me about it. What a stupid thing to do. I hope it doesn’t do something idiotic and short-sighted like that ever again. Mind over matter.... my brother is such an amazing example of this! He is my inspiration! If he can go through the pain so can I... Ryan you amaze me!!!

Chemo positives: It will force me to take a little time to myself - and maybe be a little more introspective. I will lose the fear of the unknown and finally know how it feels. I will be one step closer to the end. OK that's all I got. It's enough though right? LETS GET THIS GOING!!!


  1. You're on the minds and hearts of many as you begin this journey. We're sending positive thoughts and prayers to you. We love you!

  2. I feel like I need pompoms and a flitty skirt! Go, Lindsey, go!!! I can't wait to see you next week!!!