Hair loss and Nighttime ceiling staring

So to decrease my hair loss trauma, I am cutting my hair.

I know that I may not lose my hair, but I think it may be more traumatic for me to lose my long hair. And the doc said that I will; so I think I will go for the Meg Ryan hairdo - short and messy. Or maybe I will try one like my moms. I love her new haircut. And you know, if I don't like, it I will only have it for a few weeks before it all comes out. I am going to go bald and I will get a wig. If I were at the VA still I would match with Dave and Kevin - maybe then I would actually be the doctor and not the tech.

What if, when, why, how, what if, when, why, how..... They said chemo would cause insomnia but can someone please tell my brain that chemo hasn't started yet? The little mice working the controls in my brain seem to have taken speed, I can't shut down. I'm so tired! It is like my dissertation all over again! I have tried going through the alphabet listing a boys name for each letter then a girls name for each letter helps (like vestibular testing to distract myself). Until I get to girls letter Q - I can never think of one and then it's back to what if, when, why, how. If someone can think of a female name beginning with Q please pass it on, you may just save my life. For the moment I'll continue to skip it.

For now it is also lists of more lists. The things I need to do before chemo starts, like I needed to talk to the dentist. Did you know to should not have your teeth cleaned while on chem?  I need to have an audio with HF and OAEs. Then I have the lists of things I need to do on my pre-chemo days when my mind is good and I am on my A-game (like finish this chapter) and then things that can be done on my down days. I now have these two columns on my list making. I am not sure what else I can do.

My final thought is from my best friend, Brandy. I kept saying that I need to know more so I can have more control. But she told me that I have no control over this and she is right. I can now say that knowledge is power, but it is not control.